You used to envy those others whose poise and confidence
were such that in any social situation
they could hold the attention of the room
with their magnetic personalities and their stories of exciting lives
which everyone else wanted to share.
While you stood off to one side,
unable even to insert yourself into the circle of listeners.
And wondering why when you told a story just as interesting
the listeners
would invariably ebb away before the conclusion.
There really is nothing harder to swallow than the words of your own
half-told story which are filling your mouth
and so you spit them out with no meaning so the fidgeting person beside you
can move to the vacancy which suddenly appeared in the circle
with the good story
Or you choke them down like a mouth full of sand.
and you wonder if your words are really that uninteresting
or if people simply prefer not to be seen listening to them.
And so you retreat to the fringes where your unspent words
churn in your gut like an ulcer accusing you of being less of a person
than your mother who everyone knows is vivacious and outgoing
and who constantly asks why you don’t have more friends
as if you have chosen this path.
Or you embellish your stories or make up stories which catch attention
during the telling but which have only a momentary attraction.
As the fruit fly flashes when it hits the light bulb and falls to the ground
as ashes.
If you are lucky as you get older and life moves on
you learn new ways of dealing with invisibility.
You find your voice in music, in writing, in your vocation,
In community service and that becomes who you are and you are
Comfortable in that person.
And you understand that hanging on the fringes only means
you are a different person.
Not less of a person.
Against your better judgement you attend a class reunion
and take yourself back to that place where the fringes defined you.
But this time it will be different.
After forty years you have done interesting things.
You have made a difference in the lives of people.
You have even written a song that you are going to sing and people will be amazed and say
“Wow, I didn’t know you were that talented” and your new identity
will be born.
But the reality hits you when you get to the door
and the two in front of you are greeted with
“Jimmy, man it’s good to see you” and
“Diane, you’re looking great, we were afraid you might not make it”
And when it’s your turn you have to introduce yourself
in response to his puzzled look and then he checks his list
and says “Glad you could make it.”
So you spend an hour reading name tags and shaking hands
with people you didn’t know then
But you’re feeling pretty good about how you’re managing to deal
with this social situation when it happens.
from across the room you hear
“Sam Dixon!” and the person with whom you were talking
turns to greet the caller who looks at your name tag
and says “Hey..hi” and then engages Sam in a new conversation
And someone else joins in and then another and within
moments you are on the fringe
And your song chokes in your throat
Because your words have turned to sand.